Working with Grief
Are you prepared to support clients when the worst happens?
I truly believe that every therapist should obtain skills and/or training specific to grief work. Why? Because regardless of your specialty, grief is a universal human experience. And it can hit your clients at any moment (or you for that matter, but this post is client-focused). Suddenly, you’re doing grief work even though you had a completely different treatment plan last week. The pain and the needs can feel overwhelming, especially if the particular form of grief hits close to home for you.
The tendency I see from a lot of therapists is to approach grief from a symptom perspective. It makes sense why. We may feel like we have to keep it all in a diagnosable box for insurance purposes. We may be struggling with a sense of helplessness, knowing nothing we do in therapy can bring back what the client has lost. We might feel a little more in control of the situation if we can label it. So we try to fix what we can. We try to make it better. And we often try to make sense of it, both with the client and internally as we consider how to move forward. All of those tendencies are understandable, but they can also get us stuck in the weeds and missing the core of what our clients need.
There is one important trend I’ve noticed over time when it comes to grief work. Many of my clients have struggled with a similar issue that often lands in second place behind the grief itself: navigating the judgment of others.
You are judged for grieving too openly.
Then you’re judged for packing it away and seemingly not grieving enough.
You get judged for how long you grieve. First it’s too long, then it’s not long enough.
You get judged for how the kids behave after the worst trauma of their lives.
You get judged for “letting yourself go.”
You are judged for how you spend money.
You are judged for asking for help.
Then you’re judged for no longer asking for help.
You’re judged for grieving about “that” when the loss doesn’t fit into a coffin.
Judged for how you attempt to find joy again.
Judged for smiling, because now you’re not sad enough.
Judged for crying at small things that remind you of the loss.
Judged for talking about your loss when it might make others uncomfortable.
Judged for setting boundaries.
Judged for asking existential and spiritual questions as part of your processing.
Judged for needing therapy.
Judged for moving on.
Judged for not moving on.
Judged for changing, as if anything else was possible.
My PSA is simple: stop judging. And yes, I wish I could say this to all the people in my clients’ lives. But I’m also saying it to my fellow therapists, because it’s easy for us to fall into this pattern too.
In our attempts to fix, to patch, to help clients feel better, we can inadvertently add to the shame, judgment, and stigma that the ways they are grieving are wrong.
We cannot do this.
Feeling misunderstood, unsupported, and judged in the therapeutic context is another wound. Another loss. It’s harm.
If you remember nothing else about this post, remember this:
Slow down.
Don’t judge or make assumptions.
Stay curious.
Your client knows you can’t “fix it.” Stop expecting that of yourself.
And remember that everyone grieves differently. No one has the copyright on how to do it right.
So what should you do instead? Well, I honestly think you can go a long way just with what I just mentioned, a lot of compassion, and basic counseling skills. Your clients likely need your presence and support more than anything else.
And I definitely recommend pursuing continuing education in this area, especially if you can find a training specific to the populations you serve if that’s applicable.
In the meantime, remind yourself that none of us are perfect humans or therapists. Keep showing up and keep growing.
Thanks for reading,
Laura